1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,560

Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

2
00:00:04,600 --> 00:00:06,960

Dingy castles, daring knights

3
00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:09,760

Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

4
00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:12,440

Punishment from ancient times

5
00:00:12,480 --> 00:00:15,240

Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

6
00:00:15,280 --> 00:00:18,040

Mean and measly Middle Ages

7
00:00:18,080 --> 00:00:23,160

And your host, a talking rat

8
00:00:23,200 --> 00:00:26,240


9
00:00:26,280 --> 00:00:31,480


10
00:00:31,520 --> 00:00:34,120
Horrible Histories presents:

11
00:00:37,760 --> 00:00:41,040
Have you ever dreamt of being
a prince or princess,

12
00:00:41,080 --> 00:00:45,160
living in a fancy castle,
wearing cool crowns,

13
00:00:45,200 --> 00:00:48,120
and drinking
only the finest bin juices?

14
00:00:48,160 --> 00:00:50,480
(SLURPS) Hmm, nice!

15
00:00:50,520 --> 00:00:53,920
Of course, that only happens
by magic in fairy stories.

16
00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:57,800
Normally, a lot of work
goes into being a royal.

17
00:00:58,840 --> 00:01:02,520
Guys, what an incredible show
we've got for you today!

18
00:01:02,560 --> 00:01:04,560
I'm famous French hairdresser
Mr. Larsenneur.

19
00:01:04,600 --> 00:01:07,400
And I'm portrait artist
Joseph Ducreux,

20
00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:10,920
and we are here to collect
an Austrian princess.

21
00:01:10,960 --> 00:01:13,840
Say hi to the viewers.
(STAMMERS) H-Hello.

22
00:01:13,880 --> 00:01:17,200
This princess knows she's heading
to France to marry Prince Louis,

23
00:01:17,240 --> 00:01:18,840
who is going to be king one day.

24
00:01:18,880 --> 00:01:20,400
What she doesn't know

25
00:01:20,440 --> 00:01:24,560
is how much the French public
will hate her if she looks Austrian.

26
00:01:24,600 --> 00:01:25,600
What?!

27
00:01:25,640 --> 00:01:28,440
They literally won't let her
into the country looking like this.

28
00:01:28,480 --> 00:01:29,800
They'll rip her to shreds!

29
00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:31,840
Which, quite frankly,
would be an improvement.

30
00:01:31,880 --> 00:01:36,000
So we're here to make this Austrian
wench look really French.

31
00:01:36,040 --> 00:01:38,280
(ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC)

32
00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:51,040
Now, I'm thinking we'll call you
"Marie Antoinette."

33
00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:54,120
But that is not my name.
My name is Maria Antonia.

34
00:01:54,160 --> 00:01:56,680
Not any more! We're changing it
to Marie Antoinette.

35
00:01:56,720 --> 00:01:58,000
It sounds more French.

36
00:01:58,040 --> 00:02:00,640
Future Queen of France,
let's dance!

37
00:02:00,680 --> 00:02:02,360
(ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC)

38
00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:08,640
What is going on with this hair?

39
00:02:08,680 --> 00:02:10,320
You've got it scraped back so far,

40
00:02:10,360 --> 00:02:12,200
it's pulling out the roots
in clumps.

41
00:02:12,240 --> 00:02:14,680
Well, it's very fashionable
in Austria.

42
00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:16,120
Huh! That explains everything.

43
00:02:16,160 --> 00:02:19,120
At the moment, honey,
this forehead gives me a sore head.

44
00:02:19,160 --> 00:02:20,920
Oh, MG, you are SO right!

45
00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:23,960
That's why, when I was sent
to Austria to paint you,

46
00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:26,080
I painted what I WANTED to see,

47
00:02:26,120 --> 00:02:28,040
not what I DID see.

48
00:02:28,080 --> 00:02:32,160
She is so fresh, so fly,
so French.

49
00:02:32,200 --> 00:02:34,640
It doesn't look anything like me.

50
00:02:34,680 --> 00:02:36,280
BOTH: Exactly!

51
00:02:36,320 --> 00:02:38,120
So good.
Thank you.

52
00:02:38,160 --> 00:02:39,560
(ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC)

53
00:02:42,360 --> 00:02:45,000
Wow. It's magnificent.
I know.

54
00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:49,200
Now, sweetie, we want this makeover
to get you smiling again,

55
00:02:49,240 --> 00:02:53,000
but only after we've fixed
your disgusting Austrian fangs.

56
00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:57,040
Look at those jagged little teeth
pointing out all over the place.

57
00:02:57,080 --> 00:02:59,440
It's like, "Guys, pick a direction!"

58
00:02:59,480 --> 00:03:03,960
So we're going to give you a very
beautiful and very straight smile

59
00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:06,160
and all it will take
is some light dentistry

60
00:03:06,200 --> 00:03:08,760
using these
state-of-the-art metal tools.

61
00:03:08,800 --> 00:03:12,160
Ah! Won't that hurt?
You won't feel a thing...

62
00:03:12,200 --> 00:03:13,360
Oh.

63
00:03:13,400 --> 00:03:16,880
..because you'll feel everything!
We don't have pain relief.

64
00:03:16,920 --> 00:03:20,760
Open wide! Let's make your dentures
all Frenchers.

65
00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:22,720
(WHIMPERS)
(MIMICS HER WHIMPERING)

66
00:03:22,760 --> 00:03:24,120
(ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC)

67
00:03:25,600 --> 00:03:30,640
When we met Maria Antonia
she was a real "No, no, no-nia."

68
00:03:30,680 --> 00:03:34,160
But Marie Antoinette is tres chic.
She's glamorous.

69
00:03:34,200 --> 00:03:38,400
She can barely move her mouth
after agonising dental surgery,

70
00:03:38,440 --> 00:03:40,560
but she is fit for France.

71
00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:41,960
Ah, oui, oui, oui, oui, oui!

72
00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:43,120
(CHEERING)

73
00:03:43,160 --> 00:03:46,480
So, what do you think of your
transformation? Are you happy?

74
00:03:46,520 --> 00:03:47,720
(MUFFLED WHIMPERING)

75
00:03:48,800 --> 00:03:50,480
Oh, she's speechless.

76
00:03:50,520 --> 00:03:55,240
And now, you're finally ready to
enter France and marry a prince.

77
00:03:55,280 --> 00:03:57,240
Yas, queen!

78
00:03:57,280 --> 00:04:00,520
This is the happi... Argh!
..happiest day of my life. Oh!

79
00:04:00,560 --> 00:04:01,880
Let's dance!

80
00:04:01,920 --> 00:04:03,840
Woo!
(ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC)

81
00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:06,960
(MUSIC DISTORTS)

82
00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:09,480
Yeah, we probably should have
worked on her dancing, too.

83
00:04:09,520 --> 00:04:11,400
Definitely.

84
00:04:11,440 --> 00:04:13,160
Please, just stop.
You're embarrassing everyone.

85
00:04:16,480 --> 00:04:19,360
Some can spend their whole lives
searching for true love

86
00:04:19,400 --> 00:04:20,440
and never find it.

87
00:04:20,480 --> 00:04:23,520
But for Prince Arthur,
Tudor heir to the throne of England,

88
00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:26,760
his true love was arranged
by his father's lawyers

89
00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:30,440
as part of a peace treaty
when he was two years old.

90
00:04:30,480 --> 00:04:31,920
And they say romance is dead!

91
00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:34,840
But while Arthur
has known the name of his true love

92
00:04:34,880 --> 00:04:36,720
since he was a toddler,

93
00:04:36,760 --> 00:04:39,480
this will be their very first date.

94
00:04:39,520 --> 00:04:40,520
Enjoy.

95
00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:42,040
(EXHALES)

96
00:04:42,080 --> 00:04:43,400
I really hope we get on.

97
00:04:43,440 --> 00:04:45,160
We're getting married
at the end of next week.

98
00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:47,720
Prince Arthur's first date,
and soon-to-be wife,

99
00:04:47,760 --> 00:04:51,240
is Spanish Princess
Catherine of Aragon.

100
00:04:51,280 --> 00:04:53,200
So great to finally meet you.

101
00:04:53,240 --> 00:04:56,880
I'm Prince Arthur. My father is
King Henry VII...

102
00:04:56,920 --> 00:04:58,520
..er, which means I will be

103
00:04:58,560 --> 00:05:01,880
the first official King Arthur
of Britain, eventually.

104
00:05:03,320 --> 00:05:04,680
Hi.

105
00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:19,600
So it turns out
she can't speak any English at all,

106
00:05:19,640 --> 00:05:23,720
which is, you know, a shame,
'cause English is my best language.

107
00:05:23,760 --> 00:05:25,480
Gracias.

108
00:05:25,520 --> 00:05:28,520
Chorizo, Barcelona.

109
00:05:28,560 --> 00:05:30,200
Nachos. Si?

110
00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:35,240
You like food? "Food"?

111
00:05:35,280 --> 00:05:37,800
"Oh, yum-yum-yum-yum-yum-yum!"
Chicken?

112
00:05:37,840 --> 00:05:39,560
(MAKES CHICKEN NOISES)

113
00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:41,520
Creo que es un idiota.

114
00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:42,960
Si, el es un idiota.

115
00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:44,400
(LAUGHS)

116
00:05:44,440 --> 00:05:47,120
I think idiot means something
completely different in Spanish!

117
00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:49,840
Actually, it's the same thing.
Right.

118
00:05:49,880 --> 00:05:51,360
This is an absolute disaster.

119
00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:53,680
I mean, I probably should have
seen this coming, right?

120
00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:56,360
'Cause we just used to
write to each other in Latin, so...

121
00:05:56,400 --> 00:05:57,720
Wait.

122
00:05:57,760 --> 00:05:59,160
Game on!

123
00:05:59,200 --> 00:06:02,080
Te amo.
Te amo.

124
00:06:02,120 --> 00:06:05,600
The international
language of love, Latin.

125
00:06:05,640 --> 00:06:07,400
What can I get you?

126
00:06:07,440 --> 00:06:08,760
(SPEAKS LATIN)

127
00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:11,080
I...I'm so sorry,
I do not speak Latin.

128
00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:13,240
Idiota!
(LAUGHS)

129
00:06:14,800 --> 00:06:16,600
Do you think
you'll see each other again?

130
00:06:16,640 --> 00:06:19,200
Er, yeah. I mean,
we're getting married in ten days.

131
00:06:19,240 --> 00:06:21,880
Heads! Sorry, bro.
Great touch, though

132
00:06:21,920 --> 00:06:23,600
That's just my little brother,
Prince Henry.

133
00:06:23,640 --> 00:06:26,480
Ah. Henry, er...Ocho.

134
00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:27,640
Henry VIII?!

135
00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:28,880
(CACKLES)

136
00:06:28,920 --> 00:06:30,920
No! Fat chance of that.

137
00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:32,960
He can only be called that
if he became king,

138
00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:35,560
and that's not going to happen
unless I die, so no.

139
00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:38,080
Once we get married, you'll never
have to worry about him ever again.

140
00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:40,400
Bullseye!
Right, come here!

141
00:06:50,400 --> 00:06:52,080
Gives me all the feels, actually.

142
00:06:57,840 --> 00:07:01,520
Bonjour. I am Mary Queen of Scots
and, as you can imagine,

143
00:07:01,560 --> 00:07:04,360
being Queen of Scotland
made me quite a catch

144
00:07:04,400 --> 00:07:06,760
in the 16th-century dating world.

145
00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:08,720
I'm also well fit!
(BAGPIPES)

146
00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:10,600
Ssss! Ouch. Ha-ha!

147
00:07:10,640 --> 00:07:13,760
My hand in marriage
was so sought-after

148
00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:17,480
that I was engaged to be married
when I was just six months old.

149
00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:20,720
Henry VIII wanted me
to marry his son, Prince Edward.

150
00:07:20,760 --> 00:07:25,520
But, tell me, what did he send
to help seal the marriage?

151
00:07:25,560 --> 00:07:28,240
I like presents. Who doesn't?
(BAGPIPES)

152
00:07:28,280 --> 00:07:29,480
Did he send...

153
00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:32,680
Aw!

154
00:07:34,200 --> 00:07:35,200
Ooh!

155
00:07:36,720 --> 00:07:37,960
Oh.

156
00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:39,320
The answer is...

157
00:07:39,360 --> 00:07:41,280
..C! He sent an army.

158
00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:44,280
He started a war
to make sure I married his son.

159
00:07:44,320 --> 00:07:48,320
It's called the Rough Wooing,
and it lasted for eight years,

160
00:07:48,360 --> 00:07:50,960
so I married the King of France
instead.

161
00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:53,080
Do one, Edward!

162
00:07:53,120 --> 00:07:54,400
You see?

163
00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:57,680
You probably think that princes
and princesses have an easy life,

164
00:07:57,720 --> 00:08:00,240
but that's not always been the case,

165
00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:01,600
Mm, mm, mm.

166
00:08:01,640 --> 00:08:04,920
Back in history, they were often
married off to other royals

167
00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:08,200
just to make their own family
more powerful.

168
00:08:08,240 --> 00:08:09,560
And if THAT sounds bad,

169
00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:12,600
wait until you see
what giving birth could be like!

170
00:08:12,640 --> 00:08:16,200
It's poor old Marie Antoinette again.
Hmm.

171
00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:22,280
Oh, where is my husband?
I cannot see the King, Your Majesty.

172
00:08:22,320 --> 00:08:23,960
Unless he is at the back?

173
00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:25,240
(GROANS)

174
00:08:25,280 --> 00:08:28,560
Why are they watching?
I'm trying to give birth here.

175
00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:32,360
Right this way.
Room at the front, Your Majesty.

176
00:08:32,400 --> 00:08:33,720
I love a royal birth!

177
00:08:33,760 --> 00:08:36,680
Don't get me wrong, an execution
is fun but it's over so quickly.

178
00:08:36,720 --> 00:08:39,640
Darling, do we really have to have
all of these people here watching?

179
00:08:39,680 --> 00:08:43,120
My love, we are here to celebrate
the birth of a prince...

180
00:08:43,160 --> 00:08:44,240
..or princess.

181
00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:46,440
(WHIMPERS)
We need an audience!

182
00:08:46,480 --> 00:08:49,400
We need witnesses to
prove the Queen actually gave birth

183
00:08:49,440 --> 00:08:51,080
and they didn't use
somebody else's baby.

184
00:08:51,120 --> 00:08:54,200
Plus, if it is a girl, it stops them
swapping it out for a boy

185
00:08:54,240 --> 00:08:56,240
so the King then has an heir.

186
00:08:56,280 --> 00:08:57,440
Bonjour!
(KNOCK AT DOOR)

187
00:08:57,480 --> 00:09:00,280
The doctor has arrived!
It is a bit quiet in here.

188
00:09:00,320 --> 00:09:02,960
I thought we were having
a royal birth. More people!

189
00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:04,000
What?!

190
00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:07,160
I was only here
to sweep the chimney.

191
00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:09,720
Urgh! Get your grubby stick
away from me!

192
00:09:09,760 --> 00:09:12,760
Ignore them, my darling.
Just imagine they are not there.

193
00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:17,280
What if I didn't have to imagine
and they actually weren't there?

194
00:09:17,320 --> 00:09:19,520
(ALL GASP)
She doesn't mean it.

195
00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:21,080
I do.
It is coming.

196
00:09:21,120 --> 00:09:22,880
(CHEERING)

197
00:09:22,920 --> 00:09:25,200
How do you feel?
A little bit woozy, actually.

198
00:09:25,240 --> 00:09:27,120
He was talking to... Ah!

199
00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:29,280
Can somebody
open the window, please?

200
00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:32,320
The Princess de Lamballe
clearly needs some air!

201
00:09:32,360 --> 00:09:33,720
OK. Everyone ready?

202
00:09:33,760 --> 00:09:34,760
Oui.

203
00:09:34,800 --> 00:09:37,440
(MUMBLES INCOHERENTLY)
(ALL EXCLAIM)

204
00:09:37,480 --> 00:09:40,480
Don't panic.
I will stick a spike into her foot

205
00:09:40,520 --> 00:09:42,320
to release the blood pressure
in her body.

206
00:09:42,360 --> 00:09:44,200
Will that work?
It will certainly wake her up.

207
00:09:44,240 --> 00:09:45,920
(SCREAMS)
She's back!

208
00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:47,680
(CHEERING)

209
00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:49,400
Come on, Your Majesty, push!

210
00:09:49,440 --> 00:09:51,640
(GROANS)
Push!

211
00:09:51,680 --> 00:09:54,800
(CONTINUES GROANING)
Push! Push! Push!

212
00:09:56,560 --> 00:09:59,040
(BABY CRIES)

213
00:09:59,080 --> 00:10:00,600
It's a girl.

214
00:10:00,640 --> 00:10:03,120
(HALF-HEARTED CHEERS)

215
00:10:03,160 --> 00:10:05,160
Er, that's OK.
It's good, that's good!

216
00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:08,200
Er...OK, so, er...I need some time
to meet my daughter, so...

217
00:10:08,240 --> 00:10:09,600
Everyone, out!

218
00:10:09,640 --> 00:10:12,480
The King needs some private time
with his new daughter.

219
00:10:12,520 --> 00:10:14,600
This is a very, very personal
moment.

220
00:10:14,640 --> 00:10:16,520
That is a "personal moment?!"

221
00:10:16,560 --> 00:10:18,440
I've just had a baby in public!

222
00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:20,080
Unbelievable.

223
00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:24,240
My first wife, Catherine of Aragon,

224
00:10:24,280 --> 00:10:26,400
gave me a daughter, Princess Mary,

225
00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:28,040
which was great and everything,

226
00:10:28,080 --> 00:10:32,200
but I wanted a son
and heir to my throne - a prince!

227
00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:35,760
Erm, I did actually
then have a son but, erm...

228
00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:37,160
..not with the Queen,

229
00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:39,720
so he couldn't be an official prince.

230
00:10:39,760 --> 00:10:41,480
Awkward!

231
00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:44,000
But now my second wife Anne
is pregnant

232
00:10:44,040 --> 00:10:47,280
and I'm certain it's going to be
prince time, baby!

233
00:10:47,320 --> 00:10:50,360
Although I wouldn't lose my head
if it's a girl.

234
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:51,960
Someone might, though.

235
00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:56,360
Anne Boleyn, my new wife, is pregnant
and everybody's thrilled!

236
00:10:56,400 --> 00:10:59,080
You lie about my mum
to get a divorce,

237
00:10:59,120 --> 00:11:00,920
you ban me from visiting her,

238
00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:03,120
and you say
I'm not a princess any more,

239
00:11:03,160 --> 00:11:06,760
and you expect me to be happy
about your wife being pregnant?

240
00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:09,560
Too right, Mary!
Can I get a "whoop-whoop"?

241
00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:11,480
Yeah, she's pretty upset.

242
00:11:11,520 --> 00:11:14,240
I should probably go see
if she's OK...

243
00:11:14,280 --> 00:11:18,000
..or, I can organise a special joust
for the birth of my son.

244
00:11:18,040 --> 00:11:20,160
It's bound to be a boy
this time.

245
00:11:21,360 --> 00:11:22,360
Right?

246
00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:23,480
Wrong!

247
00:11:23,520 --> 00:11:28,240
King Henry is delighted to announce
the birth of the Prince...ess.

248
00:11:28,280 --> 00:11:30,480
The whole point
of divorcing the last one

249
00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:31,880
was so that
I could get a son,

250
00:11:31,920 --> 00:11:33,360
and now look what's happened!

251
00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:36,000
A beautiful, healthy baby girl.

252
00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:38,760
Oh, not now! Guys, read the room.

253
00:11:41,720 --> 00:11:43,000
Can I just double check that...

254
00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:45,080
She's definitely a girl!
OK, fine.

255
00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:49,000
(BABY CRIES)

256
00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:51,480
Urgh!

257
00:11:51,520 --> 00:11:52,520
Father.
Hello.

258
00:11:52,560 --> 00:11:53,800
Father's fake wife...

259
00:11:56,960 --> 00:11:58,760
Queen Anne, actually.

260
00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:02,320
For now. Let's see what happens
next time you don't have a son.

261
00:12:02,360 --> 00:12:04,920
Speaking of the King's sons.
Henry Fitzroy in the house!

262
00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:08,440
You don't count.

263
00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:11,720
Ugh! Just 'cause the King wasn't
married to my mum! Typical.

264
00:12:11,760 --> 00:12:12,880
Sorry, guys.

265
00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:15,480
I can't believe you gave him
better rooms than me at Christmas.

266
00:12:15,520 --> 00:12:18,920
It's going to be one of those days.
Right. Can we try and smile, yeah?

267
00:12:22,800 --> 00:12:25,680
Wonderful news, Mary. We want you
to live with Princess Elizabeth.

268
00:12:25,720 --> 00:12:28,160
(ELIZABETH CRIES)
It will be convenient

269
00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:29,720
because you will be
working for her...

270
00:12:29,760 --> 00:12:31,280
as a servant.

271
00:12:31,320 --> 00:12:33,000
That's no position for a princess.

272
00:12:33,040 --> 00:12:36,120
But you're not a princess
any more, are you?

273
00:12:36,160 --> 00:12:38,880
Your daddy took your title away,
didn't you, darling?

274
00:12:38,920 --> 00:12:41,120
Hmm? I certainly feel a bit peckish,
actually.

275
00:12:41,160 --> 00:12:42,560
No. Stay where you are.

276
00:12:42,600 --> 00:12:44,720
Dad! You can't let that woman
talk...

277
00:12:44,760 --> 00:12:46,200
Er, the Queen!

278
00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:49,760
..my mother, Catherine of Aragon,
is the Queen.

279
00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:52,600
Not any more, she isn't.
(GRUNTS)

280
00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:55,000
I'm just going to go grab
a couple of pork chops.

281
00:12:55,040 --> 00:12:57,400
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh! Uh.

282
00:12:57,440 --> 00:12:59,160
I eat when I'm nervous.

283
00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:01,120
And when I'm not nervous.

284
00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:02,560
I'm a hungry boy!

285
00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:06,920
They've taken away my household.

286
00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:09,880
Anne Boleyn
has destroyed my life.

287
00:13:09,920 --> 00:13:11,960
I'm not calling her "Queen"

288
00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:14,360
and I'm not calling
her daughter "Princess"

289
00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:17,520
and I'm not agreeing
with her about anything, ever!

290
00:13:17,560 --> 00:13:19,640
Hey, guys. Just came
to say hello to the baby.

291
00:13:19,680 --> 00:13:21,160
(BOTH) What's he doing here?

292
00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:24,040
Weird. Suddenly,
all I can think about is pork chops.

293
00:13:24,080 --> 00:13:25,280
A chop off the old block.

294
00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:28,520
(BOTH) Oh, I hate him.
Oh, jinx!

295
00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:32,640
No, you can't keep calling yourself
"princess."

296
00:13:32,680 --> 00:13:34,120
This is my final word.

297
00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:35,440
Please, Daddy!

298
00:13:35,480 --> 00:13:37,160
Oh, go on, then.
You can carry on.

299
00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:38,560
What?!
What can I say.

300
00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:40,480
I'm a big softie.

301
00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:41,840
I'm a princess.

302
00:13:41,880 --> 00:13:43,200
Have we had lunch already?

303
00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:48,200
Better have another one,
just to be on the safe side. Yeah?

304
00:13:48,240 --> 00:13:49,520
Lunch. Let's wrap it up.

305
00:13:52,680 --> 00:13:54,480
Hi, I'm the Prince of Wales,

306
00:13:54,520 --> 00:13:57,120
and when my old man,
King George III, dies,

307
00:13:57,160 --> 00:13:59,320
I'm going to be made King George IV.

308
00:13:59,360 --> 00:14:01,240
Let's hope that's not too far away.

309
00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:03,600
I'm King George III, his father,

310
00:14:03,640 --> 00:14:05,240
and I'm still alive.

311
00:14:05,280 --> 00:14:08,320
What's the best thing
about being a prince?

312
00:14:08,360 --> 00:14:11,280
Well, all that pampering.
Spoilt rotten. I blame your mother.

313
00:14:11,320 --> 00:14:13,880
She thought he was so perfect that
she put him on display to the public

314
00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:15,320
when he was just a week old.

315
00:14:15,360 --> 00:14:19,320
And people came from all over
just to see His Royal Cuteness.

316
00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:21,120
I mean, you just looked like
any other baby.

317
00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:22,680
Yeah, well, Mummy didn't think so.

318
00:14:22,720 --> 00:14:25,320
She had a life-size waxwork model
made of me,

319
00:14:25,360 --> 00:14:27,880
kept it in this little
glass display jar.

320
00:14:27,920 --> 00:14:30,880
Actually kind of creepy
now that I think about it but, er...

321
00:14:30,920 --> 00:14:32,320
Dad?

322
00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:38,640
Am I going to be King George IV?

323
00:14:38,680 --> 00:14:40,680
(SNORES) No!

324
00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:42,600
Kingly sleep. What's wrong with you?

325
00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:49,160
Many princes and princesses
lived a life of luxury.

326
00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:52,640
But others had
much more difficult lives.

327
00:14:52,680 --> 00:14:55,840
Some suffered
like you wouldn't believe.

328
00:14:55,880 --> 00:14:59,960
One 18th-century African prince
was taken from his home,

329
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:03,800
sold into slavery
and forced to travel to America,

330
00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:08,360
where he did back-breaking work on
a cotton plantation in Mississippi.

331
00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:10,480
His life did eventually improve
a little,

332
00:15:10,520 --> 00:15:13,760
but it took time - a long time.

333
00:15:13,800 --> 00:15:16,240
A long, long, long time.

334
00:15:16,280 --> 00:15:18,320
Ladies and gentlemen,

335
00:15:18,360 --> 00:15:22,640
I am Prince Abdul Rahman
Ibrahima Sori.

336
00:15:22,680 --> 00:15:25,080
Thank you all for coming tonight

337
00:15:25,120 --> 00:15:29,320
to hear the tale
of my escape from captivity.

338
00:15:29,360 --> 00:15:30,360
Oh, forget it!

339
00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:32,080
I can't believe me eye.

340
00:15:32,120 --> 00:15:33,880
Could it really be?

341
00:15:33,920 --> 00:15:35,440
Prince Abdul!

342
00:15:35,480 --> 00:15:37,520
Oh, he tell you
he was a prince, too?

343
00:15:37,560 --> 00:15:39,640
Yeah, ignore him. He's just a slave.

344
00:15:39,680 --> 00:15:43,520
Prince Abdul, it's me -
Dr John Coates Cox.

345
00:15:43,560 --> 00:15:45,840
Oh! Your father, King Ibrahima,
saved me life

346
00:15:45,880 --> 00:15:47,440
when I was in West Africa.

347
00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:49,880
Dr Cox! Ha-ha!

348
00:15:49,920 --> 00:15:52,560
Oh, I was taken
from my family's kingdom,

349
00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:55,360
and I have been enslaved here
for 19 years.

350
00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:56,560
I'm so sorry, Abdul.

351
00:15:56,600 --> 00:15:59,720
Hey! In your face,
grumpy villager lady!

352
00:15:59,760 --> 00:16:02,680
I'm a prince!
It's true, he is a prince.

353
00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:04,680
Well, that's nice.

354
00:16:04,720 --> 00:16:06,400
The authorities here won't care.

355
00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:07,960
He's still enslaved.

356
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:10,080
Over my dead body.

357
00:16:10,120 --> 00:16:14,560
Your Royal Highness,
you will be free within a year.

358
00:16:14,600 --> 00:16:16,440
21 years later,

359
00:16:16,480 --> 00:16:18,320
I was still a slave,

360
00:16:18,360 --> 00:16:22,360
and my potential rescuer, Dr Cox,
was dead.

361
00:16:22,400 --> 00:16:25,280
(AUDIENCE GASPS)
But, while my hopes were fading,

362
00:16:25,320 --> 00:16:28,200
others were still fighting my cause.

363
00:16:28,240 --> 00:16:32,120
Thank you for continuing
Dr Cox's work, Mr Marshall,

364
00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:33,480
but I'm still here.

365
00:16:33,520 --> 00:16:36,640
So, I wrote to your father,
the Sultan of Morocco,

366
00:16:36,680 --> 00:16:39,840
and now he's written to
the President of America.

367
00:16:39,880 --> 00:16:41,840
The Sultan of Morocco
is not my father.

368
00:16:41,880 --> 00:16:43,960
Are you sure?
I'm pretty sure, yeah.

369
00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:45,880
Anyway,
the Sultan was so moved

370
00:16:45,920 --> 00:16:49,320
that he wrote directly
to President Adams,

371
00:16:49,360 --> 00:16:52,000
who has now approved
your journey home.

372
00:16:52,040 --> 00:16:53,320
To Morocco?

373
00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:54,920
Uh-huh.
Which is not my home.

374
00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:57,000
I'll admit, there's some details
that need ironing out

375
00:16:57,040 --> 00:16:58,840
but, Prince Abdul, don't you see?

376
00:16:58,880 --> 00:17:01,200
You can leave this place.
You're free.

377
00:17:01,240 --> 00:17:02,760
(STRING MUSIC PLAYS)

378
00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:04,760
This is really happening.

379
00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:05,960
Where's my wife?

380
00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:09,160
Darling, get the children.
We are all free!

381
00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:11,040
Ooh...
(MUSIC GRINDS TO A HALT)

382
00:17:11,080 --> 00:17:14,280
You did get the freedom
for my wife and children, right?

383
00:17:14,320 --> 00:17:17,160
Er, this is awkward.

384
00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:19,120
My eight children.

385
00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:21,160
Hmm.
I'm a free man now.

386
00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:23,040
I will do it myself.

387
00:17:23,080 --> 00:17:26,920
And that is why I am here today,
telling my story

388
00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:30,680
and raising money to buy freedom
for the rest of my family.

389
00:17:30,720 --> 00:17:33,440
And I will not rest
until I am done.

390
00:17:33,480 --> 00:17:35,760
Can't your dad,
the Sultan of Morocco, help?

391
00:17:35,800 --> 00:17:37,680
Not my dad!

392
00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:39,680
Please, pay attention.

393
00:17:39,720 --> 00:17:43,000
Huh! This tour is very long.

394
00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:46,000
Prince Abdul did eventually
make it back to Africa,

395
00:17:46,040 --> 00:17:49,680
but he sadly died
before reaching his home again.

396
00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:51,160
Some princes and princesses

397
00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:53,960
choose to live their lives
differently to most royals,

398
00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:56,080
and march to the beat
of their own drum,

399
00:17:56,120 --> 00:17:59,800
like my fellow suffragette
Princess Sophia Duleep Singh.

400
00:17:59,840 --> 00:18:02,120
Have you not heard of her? Wow!

401
00:18:02,160 --> 00:18:04,640
She's a huge celeb
here in Edwardian England.

402
00:18:04,680 --> 00:18:07,640
She uses her fame
to raise awareness for our cause -

403
00:18:07,680 --> 00:18:10,120
votes for women, votes for women!

404
00:18:10,160 --> 00:18:14,160
(CHANTING) Votes for women!
Votes for women! Votes for women!

405
00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:15,800
D'ah!
Votes for women!

406
00:18:15,840 --> 00:18:19,000
Ah.
Votes for women! Votes for women!

407
00:18:19,040 --> 00:18:21,960
Hi, cuz, don't see you
at Hampton Court much.

408
00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:23,800
I thought Buckingham Palace
was your vibe.

409
00:18:23,840 --> 00:18:26,040
Er, I'm not your cuz,
Princess Sophia.

410
00:18:26,080 --> 00:18:27,640
I am your king.
Whatever.

411
00:18:27,680 --> 00:18:31,040
Make it quick. I've got
rights to fight for and bikes to fix.

412
00:18:31,080 --> 00:18:34,040
OK, look, I know you're not a member
of the British royal family,

413
00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:35,280
but you are a princess,

414
00:18:35,320 --> 00:18:38,920
and we royals are expected to behave
in certain ways.

415
00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:41,160
Give us a hand oiling this chain.
Certainly not!

416
00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:43,360
The daughter of a maharajah
should ride in a coach,

417
00:18:43,400 --> 00:18:44,600
not on a...a bike.

418
00:18:44,640 --> 00:18:47,640
I'm the newspaper's face
of female cycling.

419
00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:49,000
And how can you
campaign for equality

420
00:18:49,040 --> 00:18:50,320
riding in a royal carriage?

421
00:18:50,360 --> 00:18:51,640
Look, Princess Sophia,

422
00:18:51,680 --> 00:18:54,360
your behaviour
is embarrassing the family.

423
00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:56,280
Any more
and I shall have to ask you

424
00:18:56,320 --> 00:18:58,800
to stop living
in Hampton Court Palace.

425
00:18:58,840 --> 00:19:03,160
You can't. Your grandmother,
Queen Victoria, was my godmother.

426
00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:05,960
And she gave me these rooms
to live in before she died.

427
00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:07,120
They're mine.

428
00:19:07,160 --> 00:19:09,360
Cycling,
selling suffragette newspapers,

429
00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:12,320
protesting
with a troublemaking rabble.

430
00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:15,040
I'm just trying to do my bit.

431
00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:18,800
Oh! You could do your bit
by paying some taxes.

432
00:19:18,840 --> 00:19:23,200
I won't pay tax until women have
fair representation in government.

433
00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:26,240
Votes for women!
Votes for women!

434
00:19:26,280 --> 00:19:27,680
Right.
Votes for women!

435
00:19:27,720 --> 00:19:30,960
Fine! Do what you want,
forget you're a royal.

436
00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:34,440
Please, try and make sure
to keep your room tidy.

437
00:19:34,480 --> 00:19:36,000
Tidy my room?

438
00:19:36,040 --> 00:19:38,680
No way!
We have maids for that.

439
00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:41,640
I am a princess, after all.

440
00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:46,040
Votes for women! Votes for women!
Votes for women!

441
00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:57,440
Alfhild, your mother and I
can't always be with you...

442
00:19:57,480 --> 00:20:00,520
..making sure
you don't meet any boys.

443
00:20:00,560 --> 00:20:01,560
(GROANS)

444
00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:03,560
That's why we're putting
a couple of deadly snakes

445
00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:05,200
in your room...
Ah!

446
00:20:05,240 --> 00:20:06,920
..to keep them away.
(YELPS)

447
00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:08,400
Sleep well.
What?

448
00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:12,160
Don't touch them.
Oh, snakes, get off!

449
00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:14,720
I'll never get a boyfriend now.

450
00:20:14,760 --> 00:20:18,280

You're going to get killed

451
00:20:18,320 --> 00:20:20,720


452
00:20:20,760 --> 00:20:23,160

Or you'll end up dead

453
00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:25,120


454
00:20:25,160 --> 00:20:26,280
Go away!

455
00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:31,320

And those are some serious stakes

456
00:20:31,360 --> 00:20:36,000

or three.

457
00:20:37,120 --> 00:20:40,040
VOICEOVER: Like a princess
from an old-school fairy tale,

458
00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:42,720
Alfhild wants to find her prince.

459
00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:47,280
Prince Alf, you got past the snakes
and rescued me.

460
00:20:47,320 --> 00:20:50,800
Let's get married.
It'll be...

461
00:20:50,840 --> 00:20:54,480


462
00:20:54,520 --> 00:20:58,560


463
00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:02,400


464
00:21:02,440 --> 00:21:06,360


465
00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:08,840
What? You are getting married?

466
00:21:08,880 --> 00:21:11,200
All you know about him
is that he can avoid snakes.

467
00:21:11,240 --> 00:21:13,000
Ah!
Fine, you win.

468
00:21:13,040 --> 00:21:14,040
What?
I won't marry him.

469
00:21:14,080 --> 00:21:15,240
What?!
Yes!

470
00:21:15,280 --> 00:21:17,760
I'll dress up as a man
and become a pirate!

471
00:21:17,800 --> 00:21:18,800
Happy now?

472
00:21:18,840 --> 00:21:20,080
Oh!
Is...

473
00:21:20,120 --> 00:21:21,720
Wait, what just happened?

474
00:21:21,760 --> 00:21:23,400
VOICEOVER: Alfhild,
the true story

475
00:21:23,440 --> 00:21:26,040
of the princess whose parents
filled her bedroom with snakes

476
00:21:26,080 --> 00:21:28,520
and who ran off to become a pirate.

477
00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:30,560

That's for me

478
00:21:30,600 --> 00:21:32,760


479
00:21:32,800 --> 00:21:35,200

PIRATES: Yeah!

480
00:21:35,240 --> 00:21:38,120

a queen like me.

481
00:21:38,160 --> 00:21:41,720
Alfhild, a princess tale
like you've never seen before.

482
00:21:41,760 --> 00:21:44,760
Erm, I'm still a bit confused
by the whole pirate thing.

483
00:21:44,800 --> 00:21:47,880
Oh, and does anyone have
any anti-venom for my bottom?

484
00:21:47,920 --> 00:21:49,320
Oh!

485
00:21:50,520 --> 00:21:53,360

The living toilet poo man

486
00:21:53,400 --> 00:21:56,320

With a bucket so that you can

487
00:21:56,360 --> 00:21:59,200


488
00:21:59,240 --> 00:22:02,160

With a cape to hide your face

489
00:22:02,200 --> 00:22:05,240

And when you're done

490
00:22:05,280 --> 00:22:08,120

Depending if you did a two or one

491
00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:10,000


492
00:22:10,040 --> 00:22:14,240
Please welcome today's historical
figure who really needs the loo -

493
00:22:14,280 --> 00:22:16,600
Bonnie Prince Charlie!
(FARTS)

494
00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:19,080
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

495
00:22:21,600 --> 00:22:23,160
Greetings, friend.
Ah!

496
00:22:23,200 --> 00:22:25,960
Are you Bonnie Prince Charlie,
the 18th-century prince

497
00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:29,800
who laid clam to the thrones
of England, Scotland and Ireland?

498
00:22:29,840 --> 00:22:31,200
Yeah! Who are you?

499
00:22:31,240 --> 00:22:32,840
Sorry, I just really need the loo.

500
00:22:32,880 --> 00:22:33,960
(FARTS)

501
00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:36,360
I...am Loo Man!

502
00:22:36,400 --> 00:22:37,760
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

503
00:22:37,800 --> 00:22:40,480
You have travelled through time
from the 18th century

504
00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:43,680
to use my first-rate
toilet facility!

505
00:22:43,720 --> 00:22:45,240
Oh!

506
00:22:45,280 --> 00:22:48,000
It's...Plop Quiz!

507
00:22:48,040 --> 00:22:49,520
(RECORDED FART)
What?

508
00:22:49,560 --> 00:22:52,400
Answer questions one and two
and I'll let you do a...

509
00:22:52,440 --> 00:22:53,440
AUDIENCE: Poo!

510
00:22:53,480 --> 00:22:55,160
I really, really need the toilet,
so can we...?

511
00:22:55,200 --> 00:22:57,560
Say no more.
Question number one.

512
00:22:57,600 --> 00:23:00,440
What is your proudest moment?

513
00:23:00,480 --> 00:23:02,600
Well, my grandfather, James II...
(FARTS)

514
00:23:02,640 --> 00:23:06,040
..was robbed of his English throne
during the Glorious Revolution,

515
00:23:06,080 --> 00:23:07,880
just for being a bit Catholic.
(FARTS)

516
00:23:07,920 --> 00:23:11,680
Er, so my proudest moment would be
when I and my Jacobite troops

517
00:23:11,720 --> 00:23:14,760
crushed the British in battle...
(FARTS)

518
00:23:14,800 --> 00:23:17,000
bringing me closer to
taking my throne back

519
00:23:17,040 --> 00:23:20,000
from the usurper George II.
(FARTS)

520
00:23:20,040 --> 00:23:21,720
Throne, as in the toilet?

521
00:23:21,760 --> 00:23:23,640
No, the throne as in the throne!

522
00:23:23,680 --> 00:23:27,200
I am the rightful King of Britain
and I really need a poo!

523
00:23:27,240 --> 00:23:29,160
(FARTS)
Alright.

524
00:23:29,200 --> 00:23:31,160
Question number two.
(GROANS)

525
00:23:31,200 --> 00:23:33,480
Number two. (LAUGHS)
It gets me every time.

526
00:23:33,520 --> 00:23:35,280
Come on, come on, come on, come on!
(FARTS)

527
00:23:35,320 --> 00:23:38,200
What was your most embarrassing
moment?

528
00:23:38,240 --> 00:23:40,760
Er, our rebellion ran out of luck
around the time of

529
00:23:40,800 --> 00:23:42,200
the Battle of Culloden...
(FARTS)

530
00:23:42,240 --> 00:23:44,400
and the English
captured 3,500 of my men

531
00:23:44,440 --> 00:23:45,960
and executed 120.

532
00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:47,520
And?
(FARTS)

533
00:23:47,560 --> 00:23:49,920
I had to escape in a boat
while disguised as an Irish maid.

534
00:23:49,960 --> 00:23:52,680
Now, can I please go to the toilet?
I'm nearly touching tartan!

535
00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:54,360
You may pass...
(FARTS)

536
00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:55,800
..liquids and/or solids.

537
00:23:55,840 --> 00:23:57,360
That honks, man!

538
00:23:57,400 --> 00:23:58,640
Come on.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

539
00:23:58,680 --> 00:24:02,240
Join me next time, when I'll be
stopping another historical celeb

540
00:24:02,280 --> 00:24:05,000
from doing a poo,
to ask the questions...

541
00:24:05,040 --> 00:24:07,080
(FARTS EXPLOSIVELY)
..just for...

542
00:24:07,120 --> 00:24:09,560
Want to say it with me,
Bonnie Prince Charlie?

543
00:24:09,600 --> 00:24:11,680
BOTH: Just for you.

544
00:24:19,040 --> 00:24:22,560
Hi, I'm Prince Edward,
eldest son of Edward III.

545
00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:25,720
Earl of Chester, Prince of Wales,
Duke of Cornwall,

546
00:24:25,760 --> 00:24:27,640
and absolute lad!

547
00:24:27,680 --> 00:24:29,600
People also called me
the Black Prince

548
00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:33,920
on account of my sleek black armour,
and because I'm hard as nails.

549
00:24:33,960 --> 00:24:35,880
What's the best thing
about being a prince?

550
00:24:35,920 --> 00:24:37,360
Easy.

551
00:24:37,400 --> 00:24:38,680
The weapons.

552
00:24:38,720 --> 00:24:40,360
Like this bad boy.

553
00:24:40,400 --> 00:24:43,080
Mwah, mwah, mwah!

554
00:24:43,120 --> 00:24:45,040
This beauty's retired now,

555
00:24:45,080 --> 00:24:48,240
but I've given it a place of honour
in the Royal Hall.

556
00:24:48,280 --> 00:24:50,880
Every day, it gets fed
a ration of its own food.

557
00:24:50,920 --> 00:24:52,840
Got to keep
your strength up, haven't we?

558
00:24:52,880 --> 00:24:55,080
Huh? What's that?

559
00:24:55,120 --> 00:24:57,440
He likes chops!

560
00:24:57,480 --> 00:24:59,440
Such a great sense of humour.

561
00:25:00,440 --> 00:25:04,360
So that was some of history's
most pitiful princes and princesses.

562
00:25:04,400 --> 00:25:08,000
And many of them
never even got to be King or Queen,

563
00:25:08,040 --> 00:25:09,720
especially the girls.

564
00:25:09,760 --> 00:25:13,880
Until 2013, it was the oldest boy
who took the throne,

565
00:25:13,920 --> 00:25:17,440
even if he had older sisters.
Imagine!

566
00:25:17,480 --> 00:25:19,480
The most important thing
you've got to do

567
00:25:19,520 --> 00:25:23,080
if you want to be in charge
is to stay alive,

568
00:25:23,120 --> 00:25:25,480
and that wasn't so easy
in the old days.

569
00:25:25,520 --> 00:25:28,080
Just ask the Black Prince Edward,
Prince Arthur Tudor,

570
00:25:28,120 --> 00:25:30,400
and Frederick, Prince of Wales.

571
00:25:34,760 --> 00:25:41,600

my father took me into the palace

572
00:25:41,640 --> 00:25:44,680


573
00:25:46,400 --> 00:25:50,720

when you grow up you'll be king

574
00:25:50,760 --> 00:25:53,640


575
00:25:53,680 --> 00:25:56,640


576
00:25:56,680 --> 00:25:58,160
(RETCHES)

577
00:25:58,200 --> 00:26:04,320

They gave my crown and queen

578
00:26:04,360 --> 00:26:08,920

who later divorced her

579
00:26:10,480 --> 00:26:13,400


580
00:26:13,440 --> 00:26:20,800

Of great kings that never were

581
00:26:22,240 --> 00:26:25,280
(ENERGETIC ROCK MUSIC)

582
00:26:26,480 --> 00:26:29,160


583
00:26:29,200 --> 00:26:31,880


584
00:26:31,920 --> 00:26:35,000

That stylish warrior

585
00:26:36,960 --> 00:26:39,440


586
00:26:39,480 --> 00:26:42,080


587
00:26:42,120 --> 00:26:45,960

Fred was below-par

588
00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:48,000


589
00:26:48,040 --> 00:26:50,720


590
00:26:50,760 --> 00:26:54,360


591
00:26:54,400 --> 00:26:57,840


592
00:26:57,880 --> 00:27:00,760


593
00:27:00,800 --> 00:27:04,600

the kings you never had

594
00:27:04,640 --> 00:27:07,680

before our dad

595
00:27:07,720 --> 00:27:10,360

Drew his last breath

596
00:27:12,720 --> 00:27:15,520

But pooed himself to death

597
00:27:15,560 --> 00:27:17,640
(FARTS)


598
00:27:17,680 --> 00:27:19,160


599
00:27:19,200 --> 00:27:22,760


600
00:27:22,800 --> 00:27:24,560
Alphonso?

601
00:27:24,600 --> 00:27:26,320
Yeah, Alphonso.

602
00:27:26,360 --> 00:27:27,600
Dad was Edward I.

603
00:27:27,640 --> 00:27:30,200
I was going to be King of England
but I died in 1284.

604
00:27:30,240 --> 00:27:31,920
(KEYS)
Come on.

605
00:27:31,960 --> 00:27:34,640

But we were gone so

606
00:27:34,680 --> 00:27:37,400


607
00:27:37,440 --> 00:27:40,160

to be anointing

608
00:27:40,200 --> 00:27:42,760

Dead disappointing

609
00:27:42,800 --> 00:27:45,440

The sad procession

610
00:27:45,480 --> 00:27:48,280

We've no succession

611
00:27:48,320 --> 00:27:51,080

That much is clear

612
00:27:51,120 --> 00:27:57,640

or diarrhoea.

613
00:27:59,160 --> 00:28:02,640
Er, could we all stop going on about
how I pooed myself to death?

614
00:28:02,680 --> 00:28:04,600
There's nothing wrong
with pooing yourself to death.

615
00:28:04,640 --> 00:28:06,000
People did it all the time.

616
00:28:06,040 --> 00:28:07,240
Shut up, Alphonso.

617
00:28:07,280 --> 00:28:08,680
(DRUM BOOMS)

618
00:28:08,720 --> 00:28:09,720
Captions by Red Bee Media

619
00:28:09,760 --> 00:28:11,520
Copyright Australian
Broadcasting Corporation